Most people don’t walk around with nails in their heads, but that doesn’t stop us from having this sort of conflict.
Have you felt this tension between fixing problems and listening with kindness? I have such conversations often, and I’m confident I’m not alone. In fact, Job 6-7 takes up this very matter in great detail.
Context
Job was the greatest of all the people of the east, but he fell prey to a wager between God and Satan. The Accuser is convinced Job doesn’t fear God but merely loves the good things God has given him. The Creator disagrees, and he lets Satan ruin Job’s whole life to prove it. Job, of course, knows none of this. He knows only how much it hurts when he loses possessions, servants, and children all in a day, and then develops a debilitating skin condition to boot.
Job stews for seven days before unleashing a bitter curse against the day of his birth and a series of agonized questions: Why did I not die? Why do I have to endure this? Why is this happening to me? (See Job 3:1-26.)
In chapters 4-37, a few friends try to help by answering Job’s questions. People commonly skip these chapters, boiling them down to a moral or two, and rush to the juicy bits where God speaks in chapters 38-42. But in studying these chapters lately, I’ve discovered how much the Lord has for me to learn about what it looks like to fear God in extreme situations, while processing (or helping others) through extreme emotions.
For example, Job’s response (Job 6-7) to Eliphaz’s first speech (Job 4-5) highlights the weighty costs of withholding kindness out of a wish to fix the person’s problem. The key verse:
He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty. (Job 6:14)
What are the costs of withholding such kindness?
1. We inflame volatile emotions
The video above portrays it perfectly with its closing shots of mutual exasperation. After Job 3, I didn’t think Job’s sorrow could get any worse, but apparently I was wrong.
“You think I’m vexed [referring to Eliphaz’s accusation in Job 5:2]? I must not have been clear. My words have been rash. My vexation can’t be weighed!” (Job 6:2-3, my paraphrase)
“God’s hand in my life is like bitter poison and indigestible food” (Job 6:4-7).
“I hope God kills me now before I say anything truly stupid. Better to die without having denied the words of the Holy One, than to go on living in such pain” (Job 6:8-13).
2. We forsake the fear of the Almighty
Job makes this very accusation in Job 6:14. His friends are like a temporary stream bed resulting from the springtime thaw from the mountains. When he’s thirstiest in the heat of summer, it has dried up and offers no refreshment. “For you have now become nothing” (Job 6:21). Job never asked for their help; he doesn’t want them to fix his problems (Job 6:22-23). He just wants some kindness.
Why does withholding kindness cause one to forsake the fear of the Almighty? Because fixing the problem is the work of God. Trying to fix a problem—against a sufferer’s will—means trying to take God’s place. Fearing God means trusting him to work in his timeline. And such fear empowers us to turn aside from fixing (Job 6:29) and focus instead on listening (Job 6:14, 28).
3. We raise defenses
Job has open ears. He’s willing to hear any specific charges of wrongdoing his friends might bring (Job 6:24). But if they do nothing but reprove his words, they are reproving the wind (Job 6:25). Extending kindness means not taking everything said by sufferers at face value. It means giving them the freedom to process extreme emotions without being corrected at every point.
If we don’t listen, they won’t think we’re listening. If they don’t think we’re listening, they won’t think we understand. If they don’t think we understand, they won’t trust our advice anyway. So why do we rush so quickly into offering unsolicited advice, when kindness demands we zip our lips and lend our ears? Withhold this kindness, and the sufferer’s defenses will rise tall and impenetrable.
4. We fuel hopelessness
At this point in the book, Job still trusts his friends. (By chapter 27, he’ll wish God’s eternal judgment on them.) So he lets them in. He’s honest about how he truly feels. And so far, they’ve only made it worse.
He has no hope in life (Job 7:1-6), and he predicts imminent death (Job 7:7-10). By day, he toils without respite, and by night, he tosses endlessly until dawn.
His perspective has gotten worse, not better, since chapter 3. The lack of kindness from his friends has not helped.
5. We miss the real issue
In his pain, Job feels lonely. There is nobody to share the pain, nobody who extends him kindness. And this loneliness leads to the greatest cost of all.
Job removes all restraint and speaks the fullness of his anguish (Job 7:11). He directs his anguish toward the “watcher of mankind” who has made of Job a target (Job 7:20). He speaks to the one who terrifies him with visions (Job 7:14) and who alone has the power to pardon his transgression (Job 7:21). Clearly Job speaks no longer to Eliphaz but to God.
And he has two prayer requests (Job 7:16):
- That I would not live forever.
- That you would leave me alone!
Job shows us that what matters the most is his relationship with God. The good news is that his suffering, so far, is taking him closer to God and not farther from God. He goes directly to God with his pain, his feelings, and his requests. This is true faith and a true fear of God.
But the 3 friends who focus on fixing Job’s problems have missed the opportunity to help Job draw near to his God. They are just like Jesus’ 3 friends who failed to show him kindness (falling asleep in Gethsemane!) when he most needed it. But Jesus paid the cost of their withheld kindness, and he did it so God could never withhold his kindness from us.
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