My dear mother gave birth to me to me only a few weeks after Christmas in the middle of the Carter administration. And I’m the type of person who really, really enjoys getting gifts. These two ingredients mixed themselves into a toxic brew of the most disappointing kind, because, for most of my childhood, friends and relatives would give me only one (1) present – to cover two holidays – sometime during the first week of January. They’d accompany the present with a pacifying sentiment like “I hope you enjoy this Christmas/birthday gift!” But Christmas had already come and gone without any word from such interested parties. The day of my birth likewise came and went without fanfare. From the beginning, my life was designed to disappoint.
Disappointment saturates our fallen existence. Some disappointments are relatively minor, like having your birthday forgotten or discovering concert tickets are sold out. Other disappointments, like receiving a notification of divorce, suffering a debilitating accident, or losing a child, might plague us for decades. Whatever the situation, God the Father is always present, using our disappointment to draw us closer to him. The way of wisdom leads through disappointment and on toward the Lord.
How Disappointment Works
Before we dig into the text of Proverbs 3:1-12, we must understand how disappointment works.
We feel disappointed when our expectations are not met. Sometimes we lose what we expected to keep. Sometimes we miss what we expected to gain. At other times we experience something we expected to avoid. Expectations infiltrate our motivations, and they come with a price tag: our happiness. They dash our hopes. They convert healthy relationships into needy ones, and they make people bitter and irritable.
Maybe you expected to enjoy your job more than you do. Maybe you expected your parents to respect you as an adult. Maybe you thought church would be more exciting, or that marriage would solve your lust problem. Maybe you expected to be financially stable by now. Maybe you just hoped to get noticed every once in a while.
In short, you wanted something, but didn’t get it (or you liked something but lost it). You feel disappointed.
Two Ways to Handle Disappointment
When unmet expectations produce disappointment, we need a way to cope. Most people take their disappointment in one of two unhelpful directions: either in & down or out & around.
1) Those who take disappointment in & down tend to see themselves as the source of the problem. Perhaps, they reason, their expectations were too high. They mentally relive the situation and assume it won’t get any better. They might lower their expectations to avoid further disappointment, even to the point of losing hope. These people might believe God is disappointed with them for failing him. They feed the downward & inward spiral until they bottom out in full-fledged depression. They read passages like Proverbs 3:1-12, but refuse to get their hopes up. So they always go back to Job and focus there, because that’s how life really is.
For example, if your friends forget your birthday, and if you take your disappointment inward, you might begin to assume that nobody will ever remember your birthday. You don’t want to be a burden to people, so you say nothing about it. You lower your expectations to the point where you’re surprised and uncomfortable if your birthday comes up in conversation. You begin thinking of God as a distant authority figure. He’ll let you into heaven because he has to, but he’s pretty discouraged by what he ended up with when you became a Christian. As God and men continue to disregard you, you get even more discouraged, justifying your hopelessness. You’re trapped in a heartbreaking cycle.
2) Those who take disappointment out & around tend to blame others for causing the problem. They pity themselves and expect others to join the party. They might attack those whom they perceive to be the offenders, by complaining, scolding, or sucking the life out of them until they change. They’re difficult to work with because they always have a critical remark or a better idea. These people might believe God is against them and has failed them. They feed their disapproval until they gain a reputation for anger and aggression.
For example, in season one of Downton Abbey, Downton Village prepares for its annual flower show. The Grantham Cup is supposed to go to the “finest blooms” at the show, but the Dowager Countess of Grantham (played expertly by Dame Maggie Smith) has won the cup as long as can be remembered. The Countess’s flowers are clearly inferior to those of the aging commoner Mr. Molesley, but she has used her title and prestige to pressure the judges for so long that she’s certain to win again. She’s become so skilled at enforcing her expectation of victory that she doesn’t even realize when she’s doing it. Only when she chooses to deny herself and award the trophy to Mr. Molesley, does she handle her own expectations in a non-abusive manner.
We get trapped in these two spirals (in & down, out & around) all the time, and there’s no end in sight. But, God enters our disappointment to break the cycles. He helps us to look up & over our disappointment that we might see him, our loving father.
Jesus Enters Our Disappointment
We feel disappointed when our expectations are not met, and then we tend to blame either others or ourselves. But God came to earth to rescue us from slavery to disappointment.
He sent his Son, Jesus, to live among us and experience our disappointment. The night Jesus was betrayed, he expressed his great disappointment to his closest companions: “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death…My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me…[Friends,] could you not watch with me one hour?” (Matt 26:38-40). On the cross, his disappointment climaxed: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt 27:46).
But Jesus’ disappointment didn’t turn him away from his Father. He didn’t blame himself for expecting too much from a dark, dark world. He didn’t bend the situation to his own will, coming down from the cross or calling platoons of angels to fight for him. No, rather than running away from God, Jesus let his disappointment bring him closer to God. His dying words were: “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit” (Luke 23:46).
As Hebrews puts it, Jesus was a son who “learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him” (Heb 5:8-9). In other words, because Jesus drew close to God through his suffering and disappointment, he opened the way for you and me to do the same. He died to bring us salvation, and he lives to bring us close to the Father, despite our disappointment. But how?
Next week, we dive into Proverbs 3:1-12 which will help us along the way.
This post was first published in 2013 and is part of a series walking through Proverbs 1-9.
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