When conflict gets messy and personal, the book of Proverbs refers to it as “strife.” And the first objective for a man or woman of wisdom is to avoid strife whenever possible. The Lord declares those who avoid strife to be honorable (Prov 20:3).

‌But sometimes, it’s just not possible, is it? There are times when we make costly mistakes that cause strife. And there are times when strife hunts us down regardless of how hard we try to avoid it. What do we do then?

Navigating strife requires a wise and mature perspective. Reject the folly of simplistic answers, because human strife is quite a complex dynamic between people. Immature solutions will only end up making it worse.

The Problem with Toothpaste

Though the wise will try to avoid strife whenever possible, they recognize that once it squirts out, you can’t try to shove the toothpaste back into the tube and pretend nothing happened.

The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.

Proverbs 17:14

“Letting out water” is the ancient equivalent of “toothpaste out of the tube.”‌ Water has no shape in and of itself. When the dam breaks, the water gushes, and you’ll never get it back to where it was.

‌So the wise understand that sometimes, it becomes too late. When the quarrel breaks out, you can’t stuff it up and pretend that nothing happened.

‌So if you explode in anger at someone, it’s not okay to come back the next day and sweep it under the rug. Yes, it’s uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it’s awkward and difficult. No, you don’t want to be tempted to explode yet again.

‌But once the dam breaks and the water is out, we now have something we must talk about and reconcile.

• ‌What led to it?
• What were you fearing or believing at the time that caused you to feel so threatened?
• What did you think would be accomplished by yelling in anger?
• What would be a better choice to make next time?

‌Now, that sort of conversation works only between reasonable people who want to do what is right. What if you couldn’t bail in time for a quarrel to erupt with someone who is a fool?

‌The Rage of Fools

If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.

Proverbs 29:9

‌The thing a wise person will understand is that most fools do not want to resolve strife. They want only to be right and to be served. And the harder you press on them to back down, compromise, or find righteous resolution, the more you will only subject yourself to ongoing rage and ridicule.

‌So there is a time and a place for the wise to not pursue reconciliation with someone who does not want it.

‌When Jesus was on trial before wicked men who had already made up their minds, Jesus did not try to reconcile things with them!‌ He simply stood before them as silent as a lamb led to slaughter. He had a more important task underway than reconciliation with raging fools.

‌Now in the book of Romans, the apostle Paul commands Christians to live at peace with all men, so far as it depends on you (Rom 12:18). So do all you can to serve, to persuade, and to reconcile. But please recognize the intricate complexity of strife with fools.

The time is likely to come when the best thing you can do is close your mouth and just slowly step away.

‌The Raising of Defenses

‌Another thing that makes strife complex is how personal it can get. And because it gets so personal, strife has the effect of hardening people to one another.

A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.

Proverbs 18:19

‌This verse talks not about a fool but about a brother. Someone close to you, from your own family! Even perhaps, from the family of God.

‌Sometimes, strife arises from a deep violation of trust and respect. Dealing with such strife is quite complex, because we cannot expect trust to be restored very quickly.

‌For example, let’s say a person discovers their spouse viewing pornography. This is nothing short of adultery, and it often causes feelings of severe pain and betrayal. The offending spouse may be willing to come clean, ask for help, seek counseling. They may even take drastic action to cut the sin out of their life. There is a transaction of forgiveness that must take place.

‌But even when forgiveness is requested and granted, there remains a fortified city that must now be won over. Trust is not quickly restored.

‌It is legitimate for a person to forgive someone for an offense, but to also to need more time to see real change before they can let down their walls to trust again.

‌Please don’t ignore such complexity. Be wise about recognizing it and allowing for it.

‌The Plurality of Perspective

‌One last thing about the complexity of strife is that there is always more than one way to perceive a situation.

The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

Proverbs 18:17

‌Perhaps you have a friend who has been deeply hurt, or who has been struggling with a certain relationship. It is godly and needful to come alongside that person with a listening ear. Ask questions and listen to their pain and hurt. Ask them what went wrong and how it could be improved.

‌But the wise person will keep in mind that this person’s perspective is not the only perspective. Cross-examination is a basic principle of justice that God built into societies.

‌So while it’s one thing to care for a friend by empathizing with what they have experienced, if you are ever called upon to make a judgment about a situation—or to attempt to fix it or assist with reconciliation—‌it is not wise for you to draw conclusions after hearing only one side of the story.

‌To give a rather straightforward illustration: When a family has more than one child, there is bound to be strife among siblings in the home. And when my wife and I became parents, we committed ourselves to never bring disciplinary action against a child on account of the accusation of a single, embittered sibling.

‌In other words, my son, if you tell me that “he hit me!”—that is not sufficient to warrant a judgment of discipline.

‌More evidence is required. And the accused always gets to have just as much of a hearing as the accuser. If there were any other witnesses, that might be enough. If there is video evidence, that helps. Or if the accused confesses to the crime, then we’ve got the right suspect.

‌But a he said/she said is never enough to convict. That goes for parenting. That goes for society’s justice system. And that goes for counseling and advising your own friends.

‌Wouldn’t the world be such a better place if social media had algorithms built into it to recognize that the first one to label himself or herself “victim” seems right, until others come and examine them? I am not saying that people who claim to be victims are wrong. I am only saying that all sides of a situation must be heard and evidence must be taken into account, before any sort of objective judgment is drawn.

‌Summary

‌Strife sure is complex, isn’t it?

‌You can’t pretend it didn’t happen.

‌You can’t resolve it with a fool.

‌Trust is really hard to restore.

‌And there are always more sides to the story.

‌Part of what it means to fight like a Christian is to recognize such complexity. Yet awareness is only the first reaction, the fundamental perspective a wise person ought to develop amid situations of strife. Once the complexity has been recognized, what is the wise man or woman of God to do about it?

That will require us to search out more proverbs to guide us.

Conflict is hard.

Defining Strife

By “conflict,” I’m referring not to everyday disagreements, but to the sort of disagreements that look like knock-down, drag-em-out fights, that turn people into enemies of one another. The book of Proverbs refers to such situations as “strife.”

These are situations with neighbors or coworkers who find every opportunity to ridicule your Christian faith and try to make you angry so you slip up. Or classmates who act respectfully in public, but in private their mouths pour forth repulsive profanity and epithets in your direction. Or extended family members who point out your every flaw, claim they know you but they really don’t, and wield their expectations and gossip like hot pokers to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Responses to Strife

Sometimes Christians think God wants them to become punching bags. And at other times, perhaps in rejection of the punching-bag approach, Christians harden themselves to the point of arrogance and condescension toward their opponents.

But what does it mean to fight like a Christian in situations of strife?

Make no mistake: Enemies are real, and God wants his people not to fall before enemies but to overcome them. And the way we fight is what makes the difference.

What God Deems Honorable

Sometimes we get this crazy idea that protecting one’s honor means not turning aside from a threat or a fight. And to back down from a fight is cowardly.

But such notions are contrary to the Lord’s definition of honor. They are nothing but schoolyard foolishness.

It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.

Proverbs 20:3

The Lord values and honors the person mature enough to keep aloof from strife. Those who enjoy, initiate, or perpetuate quarrels are fools. They’re after their own self-respect and self-image, and are therefore to be avoided whenever possible. Even if it feels like you are giving up quite a bit, or suffering in the shadow of death, to do so.

The Time and Place to Fight

Now there is a time and place for protecting the innocent and standing up for the rights of the oppressed.

If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, “Behold, we did not know this,” does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, and will he not repay man according to his work?

Proverbs 24:10-12

So the Lord certainly calls his people to fight at the right time and for the right reasons: When the innocent or naive are under threat. When the good and safety of others is at stake.

But not merely to defend one’s own honor.

So it is wise to be aware of those situations when strife is likely to break out, so that, whenever possible, you can avoid them. And when are those times? What are some potential causes of strife we ought to avoid?

Causes of Strife

History of quarreling

First, we should watch out for those with a history of quarreling.

A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.

Proverbs 18:6

If you have seen someone quarreling in the past, they are likely to continue it in the future. If you have a history of getting drawn into quarrels with someone, it may be best to avoid that person. Because the more opportunity you give a fool to talk, the more he will invite you to beat on him. And you’ll be sorely tempted to grant him this wish.

Pride

Second, watch out for pride.

By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom.

Proverbs 13:10

“Insolence” is the sort of pride that isn’t merely self-centered, but self-centered in a way that rejects instruction, refuses correction, and tries to cancel those who disagree.

‌So when someone has a track record of attacking people who try to help them, you are better off staying away. When you know such a person is likely to pick a fight, just keep your advice and correction to yourself.

‌That’s right. Sometimes you can best avoid strife by keeping your mouth shut, and by not offering instruction that might help someone, when you know they don’t want it.

‌So when your classmates or coworkers have potty mouths, it is probably wise not to correct them, lest they turn to direct their venom at you. It is not wise for Christians to see themselves as the “sin police,” or to take it upon themselves to call people out whenever they do something wrong.

‌No, please save your correction for those who will receive it. Or for those situations when the innocent are being harmed, or the naive could be led astray. You can avoid strife by not offering advice or correction where it is not wanted.

Hot Tempers

Third, watch for hot tempers.

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.

Proverbs 15:18

Make sure you keep a check on your own temper. Self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, so controlling your own spirit is critical.‌ It is also wise to recognize when others have a hot temper, so you can avoid them whenever possible.

‌The thing about anger is that it always makes us feel right. We think in the moment that getting more heated will persuade others to agree with us. But in truth the only thing a hot temper ever accomplishes is to stir up strife. So avoid it in yourself and others.

Backbiting

Finally, watch out for backbiting.

The north wind brings forth rain, and a backbiting tongue, angry looks.

Proverbs 25:23

This is related to anger and foolish speech, but a backbiting tongue is an insidious companion. This is what happens when temper and folly go passive-aggressive. So perhaps we don’t crank up the volume and start shouting. Instead, we turn down the volume and mutter things under our breath. Or we wait until the conversation is nearly complete, and then we toss out a biting closing statement like a shot of napalm.

‌Perhaps you get to the end of a tense conversation that resulted in a difficult compromise. Those engaged ask one another whether this is now settled, and you respond with, “It’s fine.” And your backbiting tone communicates that the situation is anything but fine. But if anyone follows up and asks what’s wrong, your defense is already locked and loaded: “I said, it’s fine! Gosh, what’s wrong with you people!”

‌And it’s clearly not fine. Perhaps because you weren’t honest enough up front about your full concern. Or perhaps because you have lost hold of your self-control when you needed it most. Either way, just as a north wind in the Middle East brings rain, so now your backbiting tongue brings angry looks which lead to strife.

‌What now?

So in the end, the way of wisdom is to avoid strife whenever possible. Beware of hot tempers, quarrelsome behaviors, insolent attitudes, and backbiting tongues.

‌This really feels like death, doesn’t it, to avoid strife, when the world shouts that we’re cowards unless we defend our own honor? Yet to fight like a Christian means avoiding the fight whenever possible.

‌But sometimes, it’s just not possible, is it? There are times when we make costly mistakes that cause strife. And there are times when strife hunts us down regardless of how hard we try to avoid it. What do we do then?

We’ll need to look at more proverbs for further help.