Humility means putting other people first. This discipline excludes a number of proud and self-protective behaviors.

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
When it is in your power to do it.
Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come again,
Tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you. (Prov 3:27-28)

The Principle

“Do not withhold good.” Easy, right?  t means you get out of the way when other drivers want to merge into your lane. At least if they’re not too aggressive about it. But who are those “to whom it is due”? Believe it or not, this question requires wisdom, as we can easily fall into several self-justifying errors.

The first error is to define “those to whom it is due” so broadly that you invest all your time and resources in the wrong people. There will always be poor and needy among us who require assistance. Christ’s followers should be known as those who give and serve as generously as their Lord did. But there are certain kinds of people who won’t be helped by our charity. We ought to exercise discernment in such cases.

To give a few examples: Proverbs warns against angry people whom we ought not rescue (Prov. 19:19), gossiping people whom we ought not associate with (Prov. 20:19), and foolish people whom we ought not even try to convince (Prov. 23:9). Don’t err by expending the Lord’s resources on the wrong people in the hope of being the kind of savior that only Jesus can be for them. Solomon will return to this point in Proverbs 6:1-5, so I’ll expand on it there.

The second error, however, is to define “those to whom it is due” so narrowly that no mortal person could ever qualify. In this case, we’re willing to help those who have real need; we just haven’t ever met any of them. We’ll give money, as long as the person has a job, a history of successful financial management, and a foolproof system of accountability in place. We act as though there is no room for mistakes with God’s resources.

Take note, however, that Solomon uses the word “neighbor” in Prov. 3:28, and the Bible suggests that “neighbor” is a pretty broad category. (See Luke 10:25-37.) We can’t justify our failure by obscuring what God has made clear.

Both errors result directly from pride. The first one says “I can be Jesus for this person.” The second one says, “Not even Jesus could help that person.” In both, I put myself at the center, and I have not cultivated the fear of the Lord.

Application

There are many ways we can apply this aspect of humility, but two especially come to mind for our generation. We must not withhold truth in confrontation, and we must not withhold life in evangelism.

Confrontation

Let’s admit it: we simply don’t know how to do it well. The Bible says, “You shall reason frankly with your neighbor” (Lev. 19:17), and I say, “but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” The Bible says, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt” (Col. 4:6), and I say, “but I’d better let him have it.” In other words, we usually make the Sucker’s Choice[1] between being truthful or being respectful, but the Bible commands us always to do both. If we disagreed with each other more honestly and more respectfully, we’d make better decisions, resolve more conflicts, and build deeper relationships. As William Blake wrote in “A Poison Tree,”

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

Evangelism

I’ll admit it: I generally don’t want to do it well. It would mean I’d have less time for what I want to do. I couldn’t hide behind my fears, nurturing them and helping them to flourish in my heart. People might not like me. It would be awkward and uncomfortable, and 5 minutes of comfort matter more to me than someone’s possible eternity in hell. Can you relate?

Now I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. No, my point is that you and I are guilty. Jesus knew it, and he died for us anyway. So we’re free to confess frankly, repent, and keep moving forward. Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.

This post was first published in 2013 and is part of a series walking through Proverbs 1-9.

[1] Phrase borrowed from Patterson, et al, Crucial Conversations (New York: McGraw Hill, 2002). (Affiliate link)

Wisdom takes flight in relationships. It begins with the fear of the Lord (Prov. 1:7), gains momentum through seeking and finding (Prov. 2:1-8), and accelerates when we resist easy money and easy sex (Prov. 2:12-19). In order to gain altitude, however, wisdom must be lived out humbly in relationships with real people. Let me give an example.

I recently received some sharp criticism of my leadership in a particular area. The critic was a friend who wanted to help, but he overstated his position with unexpected severity. I was hurt and offended. I wanted to protect myself. I had lost my security—someone’s good will—and had to muster my self-respect. To prevent a total loss, I prepared a masterful retaliatory strike.

Without realizing it, I had come to a crossroads with two paths before me: Would I choose the way of wisdom or the decline to folly? In other words, did I believe all this stuff I was writing about wisdom, the fear of the Lord, and openness to change? Would I live the truth out in my words and thoughts? Would I despise instruction or humbly receive correction?

We all face the same choice every day. Whenever other people are involved, our decisions demonstrate either humble wisdom or self-reliant folly. Will we fear the Lord, breeding true humility, thinking of others more than ourselves? Or will we turn inward and love ourselves most of all?

As Rick Warren put it, “humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” In other words, both “I’m awesome” and “I’m a terrible person” are proud statements. The humble person chooses simply not to focus on himself, positively or negatively. The humble person puts others first, loving them at least as much as he loves himself. Such a person models Jesus’ life-giving death.

In the next section of Proverbs (Prov 3:27-35), Solomon prohibits a number of proud and self-protective behaviors (Prov. 3:27-30) and catalogues God’s opinions of people who engage in them (Prov. 3:32-35).  Like the previous section, this passage has a center (Prov. 3:31), which this time exposes the heart of our selfish behavior.

This post was first published in 2013 and is part of a series walking through Proverbs 1-9.