Tongue-in-Cheek | Knowable Word

How to Ruin a Small Group Discussion in 4 Easy Steps

July 13, 2015 By Ryan Higginbottom

You know what’s fun? Ruining good things. Like squirting mustard on ice cream. Or playing The Four Seasons on kazoos.

A good Bible study group can be a blessing to the people who attend—so let’s put a stop to that. Since many benefits of a small group come through the interaction between group members, we’ll focus our disruptive energy there.

Susan Sermoneta (2005), Creative Commons License

Having a fruitful, Bible-centered discussion is hard—many details must fall into place, and several people need to catch the same vision. But ruining a discussion is easy. It takes only one person! Just a few of the techniques below will do the trick.

Hijack the Discussion

Like any conversation, Bible study discussions can be spoiled with a simple disregard for manners.

So here’s the first suggestion: Drive the conversation off topic. It doesn’t matter where you steer—just yank the wheel. If you’re a novice, turn the discussion to yourself: your history, fears, afflictions, regrets, or heroes. With some practice, you’ll be ready for the next level: introducing issues that appear to be on-topic. For example, when studying one of Paul’s prayers, question how prayer works instead of discussing the substance of his prayer.

Achieve expert status by using controversial topics. Season your remarks with hot-button issues for maximum distraction. Be careful not to visit the same well too often lest you become the end-times guy and your leader nip your efforts in the bud.

Shut Down the Discussion

If you’re serious about ruining a conversation, put yourself above the group. Here are two ways to assert your importance.

First, monopolize the discussion. When the leader asks a question, jump right in. Ramble through your responses, and leave little time for others. (Pro tip: Avoid eye contact with your leader. Good leaders can warn monopolizers with a look.)

Second, spurn the discussion. Broadcast your disdain lest anyone think you’re just quiet. Hold your head in your hands. Sigh. Yawn. Communicate that the questions are either ridiculous or beneath you. Create a distraction without going so far that you’re asked to leave.

Starve the Discussion

Lively, significant discussions need an engaged, honest group. A wise leader will start the game of catch, but he shouldn’t need the ball often.

To maim the discussion, keep the dialogue shallow. Don’t listen to others or follow up after any responses. Push the conversation in academic or intellectual directions. Insulate yourself and others from applying the Bible or discovering where application is needed.

Cripple the Discussion

It’s time for your trump card. Instead of just being impolite, the most insidious way to demolish a small group discussion is to misuse the Bible.

Ignore your Bible. Give your “gut response” to questions. Talk about “what the passage means to me.” Don’t ask anyone to justify their answer from the Bible, and learn to deflect if this question comes to you.

Give Sunday school answers. Most answers in a first-grade Sunday School class are either “God,” “sin,” “love,” “trust in Jesus,” “be nice to my sister,” or “obey my parents.” Grab some of these or their grown-up equivalents (“read the Bible,” “focus on the Lord”), and let the clichés commence. Offer Christian-sounding responses without the trouble of engaging the text.

Invoke your Bible’s study notes. Don’t use the notes as an aid—assert them as a final authority. This is most effective when the notes contradict a recent response.

Chase cross references. When your leader asks an interpretive question, blurt out some verses from your Bible’s cross references. Don’t look at the context; you only need the same English word in both places.

Don’t study the Bible. As a summary, this suggestion is your most powerful tool. Make sure that you don’t observe, interpret, or apply the Bible with any care or concern. Also, stay away from certain blogs that promote these behaviors.

3 Tips for Bad Bible Study, Part 3

June 19, 2015 By Brian Roberg

Today we conclude our series helping you avoid the troublesome effects of good Bible study. If you’ve been following along, you may have already observed first-hand how assuming you already know what the text says shields you from unsettling new ideas. Hopefully you’ve also understood how dangerously exposed you are to the life-changing truths of the Word if you fail to find your own meaning.

Having mastered these tips, you’re ready to complete the trifecta of biblical impotency:

3. Protect Your Heart

If your aim is to stay in control of your life and not have to change course every time some pesky fact or bothersome truth comes along, this tip is the ace you can always keep up your sleeve. After all, human nature is what it is and occasionally you’ll let down your guard against learning something from the Bible. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you’ll find yourself having clearly understood a truth from God’s Word which you had never understood before.

When you find yourself in this situation, don’t give up. It’s not too late to render harmless even the most disruptive truth. All you need to do is prevent it from penetrating your heart. Protect your heart, and you’ll never have to worry about your life being shaken up by the Bible. I don’t care how profound the truth is. If you can keep it segregated from your motivations, hopes, and treasures, you’ll be no more affected by it than if you’d never understood it at all.

To accomplish this, work from the inside out. Identify the things that are most important to you, the things closest to your heart. These might be achievements you want to attain, affections you want to win, or objects you’d like to own. If you’re not sure, try completing this sentence: “I would be satisfied with my life if only _________.”

Now here’s the key step: once you’ve identified the desires of your heart, build a wall around them. Never allow what you read in the Bible to question their intrinsic value or their ability to satisfy you. If you want to be secure in your plans and preferences, your heart’s desires need a wall to protect them from examination. Think of it as granting them a certificate of exemption from scrutiny. This is how you protect your heart.

It’s hard to overstate the power of this technique. People who diligently apply themselves to protecting their hearts can build up a shield that is all but impenetrable. In fact, some people’s hearts are so well-armored that they can flagrantly disregard my first two tips for bad Bible study yet still be in no danger of having their plans disrupted by the Word.

As strong a defense as this is, though, remember that it is your last defense. If you’ve allowed yourself to open your mind to the Bible, and if you’ve acknowledged that it speaks an objectively true message to you, then the wall around your heart is all that’s left between your comfortable status quo and the earth-shaking effects of God’s Word. If one well-placed arrow finds a single gap in your wall, your heart will be pierced and your plans will go out the window. The comfort of empty ritual will be gone, replaced by whatever it is that God intends for your life.

If that happens to you, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

3 Tips for Bad Bible Study, Part 2

June 18, 2015 By Brian Roberg

In the first post of this series we looked at a tried-and-true method for achieving bland, ineffective Bible study. Today we’ll add a second method to our arsenal:

2. Find Your Own Meaning

The Bible calls itself a “sharp double-edged sword.” That sounds awfully dangerous, doesn’t it? No need to worry; you can keep that sword safely in its sheath by looking for a private, personal meaning for every text you read. Just come up with a summary of the text which you can claim is true for you (and not necessarily true for anyone else), and you’ll be safe from being pricked by the Word.

You need to know this tip because there are people out there who still hold to the idea that a text has an objective meaning. They would say that an author has a single main point in mind while writing which he or she wants to communicate to readers. The problem with this is that you’re left dangerously exposed to any number of ideas which might upset the serene status quo of your own thinking!

Here’s a quick example: John 3:16. Ask one of those objective types what this verse means, and he’ll start yammering on about “context,” being “born again,” etc, etc. What’s worse, he’ll probably land on a rather unsettling conclusion involving sin, death, faith, and the need for repentance. So much for safe, empty ritual! A much simpler and safer approach would be to say, “I’m so glad God loves the world. That means He loves me. That makes me happy.” Why go further than that?

So instead of asking, “What does this text mean?”, ask, “What does this text mean for me?” See the difference those two little words make? They’re all you need to protect yourself from annoying life-changing truths!

Here’s a few particular suggestions for applying this tip:

Remember to apply our first tip for bad Bible study: assume you already know what the text says. You’ll be much better positioned to make up your own meaning if you start with what you think the text says rather than what it actually says.
Avoid thinking about the fact that the text you’re reading was written by a particular person (in a particular place at a particular time). Instead, imagine the words floating ethereally. This makes it easier for you to attach your own meaning to them.
Similarly, try not to think about the fact that the text was written to a particular audience. If you start thinking about other people who have read the same words you’re reading, it’s harder to make up your own private meaning.
In Bible study meetings, keep the discussion centered on feelings. If you have to say something about the text itself, stick with vaguely spiritual statements like, “Wow, it’s just amazing that it says such-and-such.”

Give it a try! Apply this tip in your Bible reading, and I guarantee you’ll stay safe from stinging conviction, tumultuous encouragement, and lofty joy. Instead, you’ll stay in control and you’ll know just what to expect: nothing much at all.

One word of caution: Finding your own meaning will help you read the Bible without danger of learning anything, but be careful not to apply the strategy too generally. There are times when it’s a good idea to consider what the author intended to say. For example, I would not recommend finding your own meaning in the following types of writing:

Emails from your boss
Instructions for operating power tools
Anything written by the IRS

3 Tips for Bad Bible Study, Part 1

June 17, 2015 By Brian Roberg

Has your time in the Word been too powerful lately? Want to get rid of that nagging feeling of peace you get when you trust the God you encounter in the Scriptures? If so, you need to make some adjustments to your approach to the Bible. In this brief series of posts we’ll consider three surefire ways to make Bible reading boring and irrelevant again. Today we’ll cover tip #1:

1. Assume you already know what the text says.

This is a tip you can put into practice in your very next Bible study meeting or quiet time. It’s all about your attitude. If you sit down with a heart attitude that says, “I need to hear what God has to say to me today,” then your efforts toward making Bible study an empty ritual will go right down the drain.

Instead, begin by congratulating yourself for what you already know about the particular text in front of you. If you’ve actually read the text before, you’re golden. Doesn’t matter how long ago you read it. Just take whatever you happen to remember about it as proof that all you need is a quick refresher rather than the full experience of diving into the text.

If it’s your first time reading the text, don’t give up yet. There are many other sources of knowledge you might draw on: sermons you’ve heard, Sunday school stories, VeggieTales episodes, etc. Any of these provides a sufficient centerpiece for your expertise. If you’re in a group and others seem to doubt the profundity of what you’re saying, just talk louder and wave your hands more.

If it turns out that you truly know nothing about the text, then it must be an obscure chapter that nobody really cares about anyway, right?

No matter what you do, don’t read the text the way you would a book that contains vital truth addressing your greatest needs and desires. Don’t let yourself start looking for details or ideas in the text which you haven’t considered before. Remember, you don’t need to look because you already know it. Keep assuming you know it, and you’ll find that before long your Bible reading will be as bland and ineffective as you could ever want.