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5 Common Small Group Myths

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At the Gospel Coalition, Steven Lee writes about “5 Common Small Group Myths (and the Truth to Help Transform Your Group).” He expands on the following 5 myths:

  • Myth #1: A successful small group will not be relationally messy.
  • Myth #2: Small groups exist for others to meet my needs.
  • Myth #3: Trust and transparency take many years to cultivate in a small group.
  • Myth #4: Small group members should become best friends.
  • Myth #5: Small groups should focus only on Bible study, not sharing sins or engaging in outreach.

I certainly struggle with #3, and I feel pretty guilty if #4 doesn’t take place. Can you relate with any of them?

The full article is worth reading. Check it out!

3 Disciplines to Develop Wise Speech

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You’ve tasted and seen the effects of a wise leader’s words, and you want to be that kind of leader. You want to speak words that deliver, delight, gladden, and heal. You’d like to be able to defuse, persuade, inspire, and influence. You can picture leading such Bible studies, but you don’t know how to move in that direction. You see the potential, but you don’t know how to realize it.

You’re not alone, and you don’t have to feel stuck. Proverbs describes not only the product but also which best practices will help you get there. The following 3 tips don’t include everything that could be said about how to become a wise leader. But if you give yourself to these 3 disciplines, you’ll quickly find, by God’s grace, you have something to offer. “The lips of the righteous feed many” (Prov 10:21).

Steven Shorrock (2011), Creative Commons

Steven Shorrock (2011), Creative Commons

1. Listen more than you speak.

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. (Prov 18:13)

When leading Bible studies, your goals should be, first, to hear others, and second, to give an answer. Reverse the order, and you’re on the way toward shameful folly.

What does this mean? What does it look like to hear before giving an answer?

  • You care more about winning people than about being right.
  • You want to know what other people think more than you want them to know what you think (even when you’re the leader).
  • You learn how to ask good observation, interpretation, and application questions that stimulate discussion and don’t shut it down.
  • You create a group culture where crazy, even false, ideas can be freely spoken. Please note: This doesn’t mean you create a culture where crazy, even false, ideas are accepted. Loving people doesn’t mean compromising the truth. And loving the truth doesn’t require you to feel threatened by questions or objections.
  • You ask open-ended questions.
  • You avoid questions that have only one answer. Such questions are not really questions but mind-reading exercises.
  • You pay attention to what people say.
  • You reflect what you hear people say, rephrasing their comments in your own words. This reflection demonstrates that you understood the substance and didn’t merely catch the words.
  • You don’t answer every question yourself but toss questions back out to the group.

2. Draw others out.

The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. (Prov 20:5)

Listening is good. It’s an important first step. But if that’s all you do, you’ve got a support group or love fest on your hands instead of a Bible study. People are like wells, and your goal is to drop the bucket and scoop out their purposes. You want to help them understand themselves better than they did before. Once they do, change becomes possible.

Let me illustrate. One person leads a Bible study on Romans 3:9-20 and teaches the material well. He observes the text well and gets people looking up all the Old Testament quotes. He shows how these passages about Israel’s enemies are used by Paul to describe Israel herself. Even Jewish mouths are thus stopped, and the whole world is held accountable to God. The leader communicates a clear doctrine of human depravity, and he challenges people to trust in Christ and not themselves. They listen eagerly, happy to learn and grow.

Another person leads a study on the same passage, but does so through thoughtful questions, careful listening, and stimulating follow-up questions. He covers the same content as the other leader, and he gets people talking about the topic of depravity on their own. One person mentions an obnoxious family member, and the leader asks her how that relationship has colored her view of the world. Another person challenges the doctrine of depravity, and the leader—who doesn’t jump on the objector with immediate correction—asks more questions to understand why it’s so hard to swallow. Another participant confesses feelings of guilt whenever the topic of sin arises, and the leader sensitively coaxes further context-appropriate detail from him.

When you actually understand why people think what they think, you’re in the best position to convince them to think something else. When you understand why people respond the way they do, you’ll be able to connect the dots for them so they can repent and choose different responses in the future. If you don’t scoop out the purposes in their hearts, you’ll end up with a group that agrees with what you’ve taught, but doesn’t understand how to make specific changes to their lives. The result? Very little change in their lives.

3. Sweeten your speech.

The wise of heart is called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. (Prov 16:21)

If you listen and draw others out, the time will come for you to speak. And you don’t have to say much, because your words will weigh far more from all your listening and investigation. But it’s a good time to remember the age-old adage that has inspired many a fledgling leader: “You’ve done well so far, but don’t screw it up.”

When the time comes for you to speak, it’s not a good time to criticize people who aren’t in the room. “I can’t believe how wrong all those Arminians [Calvinists, Baptists, Presbyterians, whatever] are…”

It’s also never a good time to scold a participant, belittle one in error, or ignite a quarrel.

Instead, you have an opportunity to woo, persuade, and build trust. You get there by sweetening your speech. Give them reason to trust you and lower their defenses. During a Bible study:

  • “Other translations say…” is better than “You should get a more literal translation.”
  • “I can see what you’re saying, but have you considered…?” is better than “I disagree.”
  • “That’s a good question for another time. For now, what does the passage say?” is better than “Please don’t go off-topic.”

This is not mealy-mouthed refusal to engage in public discourse. This is not political spin. This is sweet, persuasive, winsome ministry.

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Matthias Media Home Group Leader’s Digest

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I recently subscribed to the Home Group Leaders digest from Matthias Media. This digest is a free monthly email with practical tips and encouragement to those who lead small group Bible studies.

The September edition was quite helpful on a number of topics:

  • How to follow up with people whose attendance has been spotty.
  • How to develop closeness in the group outside of the Bible study meeting.
  • Why it’s important not to ask questions that leave people feeling like they have to read your mind.

You can check out the newsletter online, or—even better—subscribe! In the subscription options, just check “The Home Group Leader’s Monthly Digest.”

You Can Lead with Influence

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Innovate 4 Jesus recently re-published my article “You Can Lead with Influence.”

When a teacher has influence, students seek a relationship outside of class and ask advice on topics outside of the curriculum. When a manager has influence, employees pitch in on projects without being asked. When a pastor has influence, Christians find any excuse to join his Sunday morning coffee hour conversations. When an older sibling has influence, the closeness lasts well into adulthood. In each case, we follow influential leaders, not because we have to, but because we want to.

An aspiring leader might start off with this vision for influence, but over time the rookie’s eagerness can fade into a fog of authority and experience. Experience assures the leader that entrenched behaviors can’t be broken, touchy people need more leeway, and elder meetings must be boring. Thus, forfeiting influence, the former idealist starts to rely on his own authority to get results.

Consider the difference between authority and influence in this simple illustration. An authoritative parent might compel his teenager to keep her curfew. But only an influential parent can trust his daughter won’t sneak out when he’s asleep.
The article goes on to explain from 1 Thessalonians how the recipe of influence has two key ingredients: humility and hope.
Check it out!

Leading with Influence Live Show

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Join me this Tuesday, August 5, (11 PDT / 2 EDT) for a live show on Innovate 4 Jesus as I join Chris Hogan, Joshua Reich, and host Justin Blaney to discuss leading with influence.

Do you have questions about leadership and influence? Tweet your questions with #I4JLIVE or comment on the blog post here: www.i4j.org/lead. We’ll be taking questions from right now until Tuesday’s show!

To jog your thinking, you may want to check out the article I wrote for The Gospel Coalition about 1 Thessalonians and how Paul led with influence.

Why Vulnerability is So Hard

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Yesterday I arrived at one of those small but significant decision points that threaten my composure and test the limits of my willingness to be known. It came when my coworker greeted me with his usual, “How are you today?”

I earnestly sought a perfunctory “Fine, how are you?” so I could move on from the greeting and get on with my day, but it eluded me. The truth was that I was not fine. Twice in the last week I had pled with dear friends who were departing from the faith, one into false doctrine and another into immorality. Both cases of apostasy hit me hard, and I had mourned and prayed over them, wondering what on earth God was doing.

So I cracked open the door—”I’m pretty sad today”—and it was costly to do so. It cost me a measure of self-confidence and self-respect. It cost me a few minutes of my life to explain what I was sad about. It reopened the wound and renewed the pain. It sucked more energy out of me, as I tried to balance openness with self-control (to avoid gossip, venting, or speaking other words that wouldn’t edify).

But such vulnerability is Christlike, and by faith I trust it was worth it.

J (2008), Creative Commons

J (2008), Creative Commons

Why is it so hard for us to be vulnerable with one another? Why do we struggle to lead and to teach the Scripture with transparency? Why are we more attracted to a pretense of perfection or a veneer of imperturbability? I can think of at least 3 reasons.

Theological Reasons

I have heard pastors say they won’t tell personal stories from the pulpit because it would get in the way of representing Christ. They believe that for Christ to shine brightly, they must completely get out of the way. So in private they’re happy to share of their need for grace, but their preaching focuses much more on proclaiming the truth than on incarnating it.

This same sort of thinking shows up when Bible study leaders think only about how to apply the text to the group members and not about how to apply it to themselves. One sign of this struggle is when their preparation time doesn’t feel devotional and they need to schedule separate personal time with the Lord.

I greatly respect those who want to “get out of the way” so people can see Christ. This desire to serve others at great cost to oneself is a noble one.

But I think the attempt misfires, for we miss the fact that God shows people himself by showing himself to people. He doesn’t merely declare truth; he demonstrates the truth and lives it out. He became a man and perfected his power in weakness. He demonstrates his love by dying for sinners. He exposed and disgraced himself that he might lead us to glory.

And so John can say that while no-one has seen God, Jesus has made him known (John 1:18). But at the same time, while no-one has seen God, they will see him if we love one another (1 John 4:12). For them to see, we must give them something to see.

Personal Reasons

Some brave souls like Eric, who commented on last week’s post, perceive pride and fear as the greatest enemies to vulnerability.

  • We don’t want people to think less of us.
  • We fear losing our position or influence.
  • We don’t want to be a burden.
  • We don’t want to be laughed at or seen as mistaken or needy.

Perhaps we even feel like our reputation—or at least our self-perception of it—signifies our standing with God, such that God’s pleasure is shown through others’ pleasure and people’s displeasure betrays God’s displeasure.

Whatever the exact issue, we find our identity in something other than the finished work of Christ. We must not forget the guttural cry of him who bowed his head and gave up his spirit (John 19:30).

Practical Reasons

My biggest struggle, as I mentioned above, is that vulnerability is hard work. It’s costly, and I’m often unwilling to pay that cost.

Many in the “theological reason” camp react rightly against those who see their leadership as an opportunity for dealing with their personal demons. If I’m vulnerable for my sake—to cleanse my conscience or even to get people to feel sorry for me—I have missed the point. There’s a foolish sort of vulnerability that serves nobody but myself, but there’s also a wise sort of vulnerability that serves others deeply (for example, see 2 Corinthians 11-12).

This wise vulnerability takes an effort. It requires forethought and godly character. It demands unwavering confidence in Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Cor 12:10).

When you teach the Scripture, beware sanitized hypocrisy.

Beware Sanitized Hypocrisy

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The third practice for preparing effective Bible studies is to allow the message to change you. The fact should be obvious, but so often it’s not: We can’t teach what we haven’t learned. Our words are just words if we can’t show them by our lives. Paul said, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Cor 11:1, ESV), but his exhortation would have fallen flat if he hadn’t opened his life for them to see (1 Cor 9:1-7, 15-23; 10:32-33).

I’ve been really challenged by this point lately, especially when I feel pressed for time in my teaching preparation. It’s so hard to deal with the log in my eye before I try to remove the speck from others’ eyes!

But the biblical word for leaders who say one thing but do another is “hypocrite.” Of course, I might successfully avoid aggressive forms of hypocrisy: preaching integrity while robbing the church, promoting purity while secretly indulging immorality, etc. But how often do I sanitize my hypocrisy, justifying my sins of omission while passionately promoting their opposite? For example:

  • Do I exhort people to confess their sins, but I never confess mine?
  • Do I oppose pride and promote humility, but I’m afraid to let anyone see me when I’m weak?
  • Do I preach about how much people need the grace of Christ, but I don’t reveal an inch of my own need for the grace of Christ?
  • Do I urge people to love one another, but I believe my leadership position prevents me from having any close friends?
  • Do I want people to be open to feedback, but I never ask for it myself?

Shepherds shepherd, and leaders lead. This means they go out in front and don’t ask people to do anything they haven’t done first. So before Jesus asked Peter to feed his lambs and die (John 21:15-19), he was the Good Shepherd who laid down his own life for the sheep (John 10:11). So also Paul can beg the Corinthians to open wide their hearts to him after his heart was opened wide to them (2 Cor 6:11-13). And Jonathan can call his armor bearer to come up after him; Jonathan goes first to make them fall, and the armor bearer simply mops up after him (1 Sam 14:12-13).

This kind of leadership requires two kinds of vulnerability:

  1. When preparing to lead a study, we must allow the text to change us.
  2. When leading the study, we must explain how the text has changed us.
rikdom (2007), Creative Commons

rikdom (2007), Creative Commons

This means that I must apply the Scripture to myself before I try to apply it to anyone else. And when appropriate, I must be willing to share these lessons to give people a model for how the text can change them. After practicing these things, I’ll be in a position to suggest further applications for others.

Hear Jesus’ warning against those who wouldn’t do what they asked others to do:

The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat, so practice and observe whatever they tell you – but not what they do. For they preach, but do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. They do all their deeds to be seen by others. For they make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long, and they love the place of honor at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces and being called rabbi by others. But you are not to be called rabbi, for you have one teacher, and you are all brothers. And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven. Neither be called instructors, for you have one instructor, the Christ. The greatest among you shall be your servant. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. (Matt 23:2-12)

I have some ideas about why such vulnerability is so difficult, and I’ll write about them next week. But in the meantime, I’d like to hear what you think. Question: Why do you think it’s hard for us to be vulnerable in our leadership?

Dependence vs. Diligence

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I’m sitting in a Bible study, digging into a psalm with a group of people, when a woman bursts out, “Why are we wasting our time with all this study? Why can’t we just read—instead of studying—and depend on the Lord?”

I’ve never read a well-reasoned defense of this perspective, so I don’t want to caricature it unfairly. But I’ve bumped into its proponents with regularity. Usually, there’s a claim that Bible study is too academic and disengaged from character and obedience. And that relating with God should be natural and full of chemistry and compatibility.

Thus, the reasoning goes, working hard at Bible study is like reading a manual about sex. It deflates the personal, relational component by replacing the beloved with mere information about the beloved.

But the illustration (and the perspective, I daresay) misses the fact that this “manual” wasn’t written by a disinterested third party but by the Beloved himself. The book explains how he wants to be known. Is it an act of dependence to disregard diligence in understanding it?

Jess Sand (2009), Creative Commons

Jess Sand (2009), Creative Commons

For example, my wife occasionally sends me text messages with to-do reminders. Could I possibly express my love for her by failing to observe and interpret them well? If she asks me to buy milk, would she be delighted with buffalo wings? When she has a book on reserve at the library, does she want me to read it there and return it to the shelf?

I have much agreement with the people I describe in this post. I want to depend on the Lord. I don’t think knowledge about God should ever replace knowledge of God. I think we misread the book if we don’t know the person behind it.

But couldn’t it be the case that diligence is a sign of dependence? When building a bunk bed, couldn’t one express dependence by diligently following the assembly directions? And isn’t rejection of the manual tantamount to dependence on oneself?

Please Don’t Try to be Profound

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The first mistake of rookie preachers or Bible study leaders is trying to be profound.

I remember my first study. I had convinced two J/V football players and a skateboarder from my freshman hall to discuss the Bible with me. They didn’t know Christ yet, and I wanted to be the one to win them to him. Good teachers had influenced me deeply, and I wanted to influence others the same way.

We met two or three times, and I gave it all I had. But all I had wasn’t good enough. They lost interest and stopped showing up.

Profundity Strangles Influence

Now I don’t mean to suggest that my overzealous attempt to influence was the only factor in their lack of interest. I simply want to suggest that we get in trouble when we put things in the wrong order.

We teach the Bible because we want to minister to people. But people are like wet bars of soap, and you know what happens when you squeeze too hard. Teaching the Bible so you can influence people is like getting married so you can have sex. You’ll feel really good about yourself for a little while, but you won’t be either satisfied or effective for very long.

Chuck Olsen (2009), Creative Commons

Chuck Olsen (2009), Creative Commons

Because I love to get a “Wow” response from people, I turn to my ingenuity to produce new heights of “Wow.” I can even do this in the name of Christ and succeed for a time. But I’ve shifted the attention from the Lord to myself, and the endeavor is destined to implode because I’ve disconnected myself from the vine.

Dependence Produces Love

For this reason, the first practice for preparing effective Bible studies is to depend on the Lord. Jesus explains godly dependence in John 15:

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5, ESV)

Countless mystical interpretations have been given for what it means to abide in Jesus, but the context leaves little doubt:

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. (John 15:9-10)

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. (John 15:12)

I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide….These things I command you, so that you will love one another. (John 15:16-17)

Jesus describes the flow of vitality and power through the following grid: The Father loves Jesus→Jesus loves his disciples→The disciples love others. The disciples get the power to love by abiding in Jesus’ love. Jesus gets the power to love by abiding in the Father’s love. Thus, if anyone in the chain unplugs from the sequence, he loses power, and his fruit dies. In other words, he’ll fail to love.

So what does it mean to abide in Jesus? It means that we abide in his love. We grab hold of it and never let it go. We remind ourselves of his love by thinking and speaking of it incessantly.

What is Jesus’ love? It’s not a mystical or emotional experience, but the act of laying down his life to make his servants into his friends (John 15:13-15). It’s the message of the gospel.

What does it mean to bear fruit? It means, of course, that we love others by laying down our lives for them.

Love Unlocks Joy

What does all this have to do with leading Bible studies?

When we try to be profound, we’ve disconnected ourselves from Jesus’ love. We’ve turned from the message of his death for sin, and we’ve turned to our own need to be needed. The solution to this problem is to get reconnected to the vine, to depend on the Lord and his love.

Trusting in Jesus and his love for us frees us in a few ways:

  1. We’re free to discover more than create. What cleanses people is not our love for them but Jesus’ word to them (John 15:3). This removes the pressure of having to create a brilliant lesson, study, or sermon. We can simply discover what Jesus has already spoken in the text and then speak that very message to others.
  2. We’re free to repeat the same things over and over. We don’t have to come up with something nobody has ever heard before. This removes the pressure of having to think perfectly on our feet. We can simply abide in Jesus’ love, telling the old, old story time and again.
  3. We’re free to lay down our lives to serve. We don’t need to get other people to make us feel good. This removes the pressure of having to evoke certain responses or outcomes. We can simply shape our studies in a way that will serve these people at this time.

Compared to profundity, love is not only more honoring to God; it’s also much more fun. It eliminates anxiety and produces satisfaction. “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full” (John 15:11).